Tagging calves is one of the most adrenaline laced things that any person can do. See, tagging calves for those who don’t know, is the process of placing an identification tag in the ear of the calf so that it is easily recognized by the rancher. This aids in record keeping of the animal, identifying the animal in case it is separated from its mother, or in some cases it can identify the animal to neighboring ranches should it come up missing. I say that tagging calves is an adrenaline laced activity because you have to be on some level of crazy to do it. Most calves are tagged shortly after birth. I generally try to tag them as early as I can simply because they are easier to catch. Two-day old calves could set land speed records given the right conditions.
Why do you have to be some level of crazy you ask? Would any sane person walk up and grab a calf that is in the presence of a 1200lb hormonal mother that has just gone through childbirth? Let alone pierce a tag through the ear, give a 7-way injection, spray iodine on the navel, take a birthweight, and in some cases give them a registration tattoo all within hours of birth. We ranchers are equal parts adrenaline junkies, Olympic track athletes, crazy people and fearless all at the same time. Ranchers are the people that make fun of the tourists for trying to pet the buffalo in Yellowstone, but don’t think twice about our own safety when we mess with the offspring of bovine.
Nothing in this world will quite test your fight or flight response quicker than a living Big Mac trying to plant you in the calving lot like you were a seed potato. Those of us that have tagged several calves in our lifetime can usually differentiate between which cow is “bluffing”, and those that genuinely have no value for human life. The great equalizer between man and beast can be a sorting stick, a pickax handle, a tee ball bat, a tree branch, or the shovel off the back of the pickup. Sometimes the best weapon is to channel your inner Forrest Gump and “Run Forrest RUN!”
There have been many advances in tagging over the years. One of my favorites must be the invention of the one-piece tag. This invention was probably crafted after some poor rancher went out tagging his calves and met up with Satan’s little demon possessed sister that had just produced a spawn. He managed to fight off Two Ton Tina long enough to capture the calf, grab the tagger from his back pocket, proceed to apply said tag and sadly come to the realization that the special little button that is key for the two piece tag to work had fallen off somewhere between the safety of his pickup and the precarious position he found himself in. After getting snot in the hip pockets of his Levi’s and a few days stay in the local hospital, I’m sure the inventor of the one-piece tag had time to come up with this idea during his long recovery time.
This calving season I wish all my fellow ranchers’ safety. Remember that there is not a cow out there that is worth your life, your marriage, or the safety of your family. Eat beef, sell the crazy ones and there’s some calves that just aren’t meant to be tagged. That’s all for this time, keep tabs or your side of the barbed wire and God Bless!