Here’s a little bit of spoof from my book Ground Tied. You’ve probably received some annual Christmas letters by now. I didn’t send this one, but it was fun to write.
Season’s Greetings
Got your annual Christmas letter.
It sounded mighty full of cheer.
I’m plumb glad for your good fortune
Since we heard from you last year.
The kids have done you proud, it seems
And the money’s still rollin’ in.
That new car is takin’ you in style
To fancy places where you’ve been.
Your new job is just fantastic,
Success is knockin’ at your door
So, you happily anticipate
All the New Year holds in store.
Well, our outfit’s had its share of luck
But I confess it’s mostly bad.
To say there’s cause for celebration
Might expand the truth a tad.
You surely heard of Grandma’s passin’
In that Christmas Eve reindeer attack.
Uncle Ed saw it; swears that it’s true.
He was home from rehab, but we sent him back.
The calves made it through the blizzard
But then, two thirds succumbed to scours.
My new hired man’s afraid of heights
And won’t climb the windmill towers.
Now, we’ve acquired some new additions too.
The heeler got bred by a St. Bernard,
And Sally came home with a catch colt
So here lately, we padlock the yard.
Reuben should be home for Christmas.
We managed to scrape up money for bail.
Seems the calves he trucked in last summer
Was maybe lackin’ a bill of sale.
The cow went dry in September
And the hens ain’t laid since the fire.
Dad’s best horse is wearin’ a cast
From a run in he had with barbed wire.
Last summer we saved on repair bills.
When it’s dry, you don’t make any hay,
So, we invested in llamas and ostrich
“Cause we heard you can get rich that way.
The cattle market’s bottomed out
And the banker’s remarks I won’t quote
Let’s just say he sort of indicated
He’s thinkin’ of callin’ our note.
Now, there’s a look of doubt in your eye,
As though you think the truth I enhance.
That’s ‘cause you forgot the old adage
That the first liar ain’t got a chance!