A long time ago, school children sang a song for the Thanksgiving program (yes, we did put on programs for holidays back then) about the trip to Grandmother’s house for the holiday meal. The song is about a sleigh ride, because that’s how folks went to Granny’s back when it was written. I don’t recall the specifics but, in my mind, it would be the father who held the reins because when our hay sled went to feed cattle, my dad controlled the team.
A lot of folks still travel to Granny’s house or some kind of family gathering on holidays and, from what I hear, the trip is a lot more stressful now. Maybe it’s time we decided who’s driving the team and why we allow ourselves to arrive worn out and frazzled; maybe even without our luggage. Lately, several friends have expressed frustration about having to get a big family dinner or go somewhere that requires time with difficult people. When asked why they choose to do it, they generally say, “it’s what we have always done.” That’s fine if it’s what everyone wants to do, but quite often they don’t. Maybe it’s time to ask who is driving.
I was fortunate that my first mother-in-law encouraged her adult children not to come home for holidays. “You need to start your own traditions,” she said, and we did, although it often meant getting together for pot luck at Granny’s. After all, she’d paid her dues. Maybe she was just tired of cooking for the crowd. Her son’s Christmas memories were not pleasant, because he said everyone always came to their house and, “By that night all my new toys were broken.”
There’s nothing wrong with deciding to take a holiday trip instead of doing the family thing. You can plan a get together another time, maybe when the weather is more dependable and the highways and airports aren’t so crowded. You could order in pizza if you don’t want to cook a big meal, and if someone complains then you know it was never about enjoying your company, just their wish to drive the bus. You might gather at a public venue; maybe a local church hosts a community affair. How about volunteering to help with it?
We all know someone who just sucks the air out of a room when they enter. Maybe they are loud, don’t respect personal space, monopolize the conversation, or get on a rant about politics. Maybe they just sit in a corner and pout if someone else is getting attention. Maybe they don’t even realize they do these things, but everyone around them sure does.
Often, these people are the reason that holidays are anticipated with dread. Sometimes they are a hostess who feels put upon by the expectations of others. Our celebrations and traditions shouldn’t be about stress and guilt. We all have a right to decide who will drive our bus on any given day, and even whether or when to go to Granny’s house. And Granny should be able to choose whether she’s going to be available, or just lock her door and sleep in.
Meet me here next week and meanwhile do your best. Someone might like it.